Another Pagan Blog
Hello beloved readers...
I'm sorry, there's no real update this week. It was my intent to give you a normal post this week, but I'm honestly not sure I could do it.
It takes a lot out of me to write these posts about my past. And I think I just exhausted a full week of emotional exhaustion on the phone call I had with my sister yesterday. So the post is not just late this week, there is no regular post this week...just this one.
I called my sister on Sunday morning. I had this great idea to write a short story in the form of a food diary, based off of her experiences with anorexia, but also delving into the issues that in it's way led to the illness. So I called her to ask her some basic technical questions on the topic. The illness happened some four or five years emotionally she was fine with that conversation.
However, as time went on, we started talking about some more of our lovely family issues. By the end of the conversation my sister was feeling pretty upset.
I'm a very empathic person, and the link I had built with my sister over that hour-long phone call was pretty strong, and regardless of her being on the other side of the country, I could still feel it after I hung up. But I wasn't just feeling her pain, I was feeling my own in a very strong manner. I can't really go into it. I still haven't found a word strong enough to express how I felt.
To make a long story short, I can't go into my past this week. Not without being hit by a pretty heavy bout of depression. I need to just settle down and get out of my own headspace for a little while. I need to meditate, commune with the goddess, or just veg on TV, because my own headspace is a pretty dark place at the moment.

If you can spare it, please send a little healing energy my way.
Thank you for understanding,
Where do I go next?
While my education started in Homeschool, it didn't stay there. The three years following my break from Homeschool were the most tumultuous of my young life, filled not just with the awkwardness of learning how to be social and fit in, but also with budding pre-adolescence. The first awkward almost-boyfriend, life-lessons about what kind of people make good friends, and my first period.

It's rather long-winded and not much related to my spirituality, with the exception of showing how unprepared I was for the real world as a preteen, having been raised under the shelter of my parent's Christianity.
First off I must apologize for missing my update last week. Aside from being drugged up on medication for the cold that had swept me off my feet on the third of February, and working four days in a row despite being sick out of my mind, Sunday had also been my Initiation/Completion of my Year-And-A-Day dedication (And then I worked right after. And then I came home at 1130 to a house full of drunks).

Sunday was amazing. Despite being drugged and having a fuzzy memory I will try to recount it to the best of my ability.
It was supposed to start at about 1:30, but we probably didn't really start planning the ritual until then, and we had to wait for our friend Walrus to show up. "We" here is, if you remember, myself and Wolf. Several of our friends were there, including my roommate Rain, and my sister (I'll just use "L" for my sister, for the moment). There were also several of Wolf's friends there, many of whom I hadn't met before. And of course Walrus was there as well.
We started with casting circle as always. I called the Goddess, in my case Cerridwen, and Wolf called God, in his case Thor.
Then Bear and Glory, as our circle Elders, created a boundary within the circle. We started with Bear addressing myself, ("Who approaches?" "I Tasho." "How do you come?" "In perfect love and in perfect trust." "Who are you honoring today?" "The goddess Cerridwen and the God Lugh.") Then I crossed the border and turned to address the rest of the circle.
I tried to parallel my Pagan life to my Christian life, but somewhere it all got lost in a medication-induced ramble. (Or a Tasho-induced ramble! I'm quite good at it...) I mentioned my 18 years as a "dedicant" to Christianity, and I mentioned how it filled a hole of spirituality which I'm sure I would have otherwise felt empty without. I told of how I knew that there was something that I was meant to serve, but that eventually I came to realize that the Christian faith was just not right for me.
Then I think I mentioned something about my family...or not...but I did certainly go on to mention that I was there that day to make a vow to serve my god and goddess, and in so doing to also serve my friends, family, and my pack. I wish I could remember all of what I said...or that someone had had a video camera. It was apparently very touching.
Then I turned back to Bear and Glory, and hugged each of them. They spoke privately with me for a moment, and I walked deosil around the circle back to my spot next to L.

Next Glory called Wolf, and he surprised us all a bit when he named his patron goddesses, none of whom he had really known before our Thursblot ritual. Then of course he stood and orated a magnificent speech...or at least I felt moved, but I don't recall at all what he said! After he walked deosil back to his spot we closed circle and the four of us (Wolf, Rain, Walrus, and I) all hugged our little brains out.
It was an absolutely magical day. I only wish I hadn't been sick at the time! I think I may do something private here at home, once I truly get back to 100%, something between the gods, goddesses, and I.
But I certainly have been seeing things in a new light since then.
My only regret is that my dear Dragonwolf could not have been there.

Since this is an irregular post and a week late, I would still like to get out another post continuing my story. I will do my best to get this out soon, hopefully before Wednesday.

Until then, I am Tasho Sparkwolf, an ex-born again, bisexual pagan!